Journey into Lightl

Yesterday was my annual “Freak Out” session when I visited the doctor for my annual physical. You see, I suffer from “White Coat Syndrome,” which means I get scared when I am being checked out by the doctor. So, as usual my blood pressure was sky-high (it returns to normal after I leave the doctor’s office), and I felt embarrassed for being so scared.

Recently, I sought the Lord to try to understand why this happens to me. As a result, one thing became clearer to me. I have been trained to fear weakness in myself, and to exhibit weakness to others because I fear rejection. Since I regard high blood pressure and being afraid as weaknesses, I fear my rejection and the rejection of others.

However, in recent years, God has been helping me to live more in the reality that no matter how high my blood pressure goes, or how scared I am, I am still accepted by him. It does not matter at all what I think or what others think of my performance. I am still acceptable and okay to God. His acceptance is what counts.

So, yesterday when I received my usual high blood pressure reading and felt embarrassed for being weak in my eyes, I repeated to myself over and over again that I was still accepted and loved by God. I did not need to beat myself up for being weak because my acceptance by God did not depend on being strong. This reduced the pain of being weak.

After the physical, I wondered why God has not enabled me to overcome this weakness in my life through his power. I then recalled Paul’s struggle about his “thorn in the flesh” that God left in his life to keep him from becoming conceited.  This made me think that perhaps why God has left this weakness in my life is to remind me of my desperate need for his support to live each day. By depending on his support, I will be strong!