Journey into Lightl

I have struggled with low self-esteem since childhood. I have tried to overcome it by impressing, achieving, and conforming. But I couldn’t seem to impress or achieve enough to rest in just being me.

When I became a Christian in my twenties, I heard about how much God loved me and how important I was to him. But it seemed that a lot of this teaching just lodged in my head and did not seem to penetrate to my heart.

Meanwhile, I continued to strive for worth, approval, and achievement, but in Christian ways now. At the heart-level I still did not have a strong sense of being loved and important to God. One idol I adopted was to substitute the identity I got from the church, for the wonderful identity God gives me from being his child.

My Christianity was knowing the truth and then doing it, largely in my own strength. I was unaware of whether I was trusting God and his Word to do it. 

As the years went by, I was alert to anything that was useful in growing in my faith and helping others to grow. One day, a friend introduced the idea of going to seminary and studying Spiritual Formation.  It soon became apparent this was God’s leading, so I enrolled.

One of the first things I discovered was that I had a heart. Up until that time I assumed that if I knew the Bible, and applied it, then I would trust it. But no. Many times, I was surprised that my head and my heart disagreed. I was introduced to a new world of my heart and discovered idols and lies that were holding me back from growing in my faith.

Some of those lies included that I am what the church thinks I am, not what God thinks I am. I am only as important as my achievements are in the eyes of man. And I am only safe when I have good circumstances, not because God is with me.

I was fascinated by the unseen world of my heart and surrendered myself to learn to live in the truth at that level, no matter what the cost.

By this time, I had gotten pretty good at getting my needs met through the lies and idols in my heart. So, it has been particularly hard for me to die to these sins. In my desperation, I have experienced new life as I have earnestly prayed and leaned on God to show up in places where I have died to the old ways of getting my needs met.

Evidence of the resurrected life includes my growing desire to only do the tasks God gives me, in his power, and for his purposes. Another evidence is that we do life together now. I not only live life for God, but also with him. And I’m growing in finding my security through God’s presence, and not in good circumstances.