Journey into Lightl

My wife recently told me that one of the things that attracted her to me was my willingness to share my deepest thoughts and secrets with her. In prior relationships, I had focused on impressing the girl, instead of being myself and focusing on her. The girl never got to know the real me. And eventually the relationship died.

I didn’t want that to happen again. So, I let her know the real me – and she loved it.

Now, after 38 years of marriage, she is becoming increasingly vocal about me returning the favor and growing in discovering the real her. She wants me to listen more to what is going on in her life, thoughts, and feelings.

But after 38 years can I change? How do I change bad habits of listening and relating? Is it a matter of better listening technique or do I need to become a more loving person?

I want to change, but how?

False Ways

We can make mistakes when we try to change. One mistake is to try to change all by our self. True change is of the heart, not just behavior (Proverbs 4:23). Our heart is largely formed in childhood and it doesn’t change easily.

Only with God’s help can our heart change. “I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart” (Ezekiel 36:26, NLT). Our behavior changes as God gradually changes our heart.

Another mistake we can make is to beat our self up when we fail to change. God doesn’t. Why should we? He is a loving dad who continues to forgive, encourage, and believe in us (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

A third mistake we can make is to do nothing. Either we think we can’t change at all or we think that God has to do all. What about a partnership? God leads and empowers and we follow in working together in changing.

Ways That Work

One thing that is helpful in changing is to notice small improvements. Change is often slow. Sometimes it seems like we aren’t changing. But we can ask God to open our eyes to the progress that we are making.

Another thing that is helpful is to expect to change. God says, “You can change with my help” (Philippians 4:13, paraphrased). Our adequacy comes from him and he ultimately bears the responsibility for our change as we do what he leads us to do (2 Corinthians 3:5).

A final thought about change is to know what change looks like. By reading the Bible and meditating on the God that it reveals, we see the beautiful life that he wants for each of his children.

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right” (2 Timothy 3:16, NLT).